


The Truth Untold

by jimmoriartyisthebestboss



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Eventual Fluff, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Profanity, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 00:36:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16419092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmoriartyisthebestboss/pseuds/jimmoriartyisthebestboss
Summary: It has been six month's since Bucky was released from cryogenic freeze and his mind restored. However, the memories of the past still haunt him and may affect his relationship with his best friend Steve Rogers.





	The Truth Untold

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the song The Truth Untold (feat. Steve Aoki) by BTS. The lyrics to this song reminded me of Bucky and you can find them [here.](https://genius.com/Genius-translations-bts-the-truth-untold-english-translation-lyrics)
> 
> I have found that studying both how PTSD would affect Steve and Bucky intriguing and thus this was created. I know it's a lot of pain but it's a journey they need to go on. There is no one fix for mental illness and if you are suffering, please seek help.
> 
> This is one of my longer works and I hope you guys enjoy!

_You fear that if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop._ Zemo’s words had never stopped playing in Bucky’s mind. He heard them every day like a steady beat. It didn’t matter if he was laying down to rest, making breakfast, or putting out hay for his animals. No matter how far he got from Germany or Romania, no matter the fact that he was _safe_ in Wakanda, he couldn’t stop hearing them. Fear. Horrors. The words always hit home, and he felt as if his heart was stuttering stop and start with each word. He didn’t want Steve to see that side of him and hear his horrors. Not when Steve had so many of his own.

Steve Rogers who had lost his father, lost his mother, was always a sickly kid, who worked so hard and stupidly got himself sent to war. His best friend who had found him, saved him, lost him and found him again. Steve who had almost seen the end of the world several times over in the time that Bucky’s mind was under another’s control. Steve had loved and lost so much, it wasn’t Bucky’s job to burden him. His job was to smile and tell Shuri he was getting better even though she looked at him as if she _knew_ he was lying. It was his job to tend to his small farm and smile whenever Steve stopped by. Wakanda had become their safe haven to talk and act like old friends. It didn’t _feel_ right though. The joking and laughing felt forced and he could feel Steve slipping through his fingers, unable to grasp onto him.

_You fear…._

“Shut up. SHUT UP!” Bucky screams the words as he throws the hay bale down harder than he meant to. Several chickens squawk and fly away from him. The other animals just stare as Bucky sits heavily on the ground, his back against the hay. His eyes burn not just from his damned allergies that had been resolved when he was given his own chemical concoction of super soldier serum but rather from frustration and anger. He wasn’t an angry crier, but those words echoed in his mind so much since he was awoken by Shuri. She had smiled and taught him and was patient with him. Yet he couldn’t tell her or T’Challa or even Steve the horrible memories he had. She had helped save his brain from being taken over again but the memories remained. The fear in his victim’s eyes, the way Howard had said his name, choking his wife and the passive look he had.

Another frustrated scream escapes his throat as he buries his head in his hand, his fingers gripping at his hair and pulling, hard. It was the best thing about being out here alone with his animals. He could scream and rage all he wanted, and nobody saw. The only time he faked normalcy and happiness was when anyone came around whether to bring him food or company. The second they left, the smile fell from his face and he went back to the haunted Bucky Barnes. He feels like the husk of the man he once was who was so foolhardy to jump into a brutal war, into an elite group of snipers, who went to war to protect his best friend, the man he secretly loved, and keep him safe at home. That man had disappeared and left behind was the one he is now.

Footsteps crunch on the dirt ground and Bucky still doesn’t look up. How could he forget that Steve was coming to see him? How could he forget that he had to put on a brave face for his Stevie, for his best friend? The footfalls stop in front of him and he hears the crunch as Steve sits down in front of him.

Gentle hands grasp at Bucky’s and pulls his hand from his hair. Steve was always so gentle, and it was what made Bucky want to protect him from the moment he saw him. Every fight, every reason he wanted to fight was to protect others. Stevie wasn’t dangerous or did anything for glory. It was all for the greater good. There his face is in front of Bucky’s, hair longer than he last saw him and a full-grown beard.

“Since when could you grow that?” Bucky’s voice is raspy from the screaming and he stares at the beard. He knew so little about Steve now, maybe they were too far gone to reconcile.

“What?”

“The beard. This,” Bucky waves to his face, indicating his own beard, “you could never grow in the forties.”

Steve laughs and sits back on his heels, hands still wrapped around Bucky’s wrist. “Side effect of the serum. It helped get my system back to one of a normal human. Greater than a normal human actually. I can’t get drunk or sick or- “

“Or have allergies.” Bucky looks pointedly at the hay he’s sitting against. Back in the day, Steve would have been sneezing and his eyes watering, he would have wheezed from his asthma and Bucky would have taken care of him. That was then, and this Steve Rogers, the Steve of now, was one who didn’t need him. “Let’s go inside.”

“Buck….” Gently releasing Steve’s hands from his wrist, Bucky stands up and dusts off his outfit. He turns and marches toward the house, a perfect soldier hiding his pain and flaws.

_You fear that if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop._

Damn right he feared opening his mouth. He wouldn’t and couldn’t do that to Steve. Instead he pushes open the door to his hut and smiles at Steve as he ushers him inside. The look on Steve’s face was one he was used to, a face of concentration that he usually got when he was drawing. It had been so long since he had seen it.

Rather than taking his normal seat at the small table in the corner of Bucky’s hut, Steve stops and turns around. He stares at Bucky and doesn’t ask for coffee which Bucky usually made, and they would sit and talk and act like they were old friends again. But now Steve breaks the routine and stands in the middle of his hut and looks around, really looks.

“Reminds me of our apartment in Brooklyn.” Steve says with a small smile. Bucky knows it was meant to make him feel better.

“Bit warner here. No animals or anything in Brooklyn. Too crowded.” The words slip past Bucky’s lips as he tries to make his way to the kitchen. Steve’s hand grabs Bucky’s upper arm and squeezes lightly, turning him back around.

“Buck.”

“Look I’m sorry for what you saw but before you ask, I’m fine Steve.”

“No, you’re not. You’re lying to me.” The words are harsh leaving Steve’s mouth. He was never harsh before and Bucky has to close his eyes to keep himself steady. “Bucky…”

“Stop it.” Bucky’s voice sounds rough and rubbed raw, but they sound angry as well. He opens his eyes and stares into those beautiful blue eyes he had always loved. “Just admit it Steve. We’re too different now, just tell me you keep coming back because you feel some fucked up sense of obligation. But we’re different now. I was some fucked up puppet and you’ve become everyone’s hero despite your fall out with Stark. You’ve had freedom and I was…” He chokes on the words. _The horrors might never stop._

The horrors of who he is and what he’s done. Constant reminders of who he killed and what he did because he wasn’t _strong_ enough to battle the brain washing. He wasn’t able to fight those who made him someone unrecognizable, so much so that Bucky had thrown out all mirrors in the hut. He couldn’t look at the man he was, the man who hurt Steve when he promised to be the only person in the world who wouldn’t. Now Steve’s blue eyes look at Bucky and there is so much pain there. Jesus he was a fucking asshole.

“I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t able to fight them. You’re a hero and I’m some fucked up shell of a person. So please,” Gently reaching up, Bucky unhooks Steve’s hand from his arm and puts it down by his side, fingers lingering on Steve’s, “just leave because I can’t keep playing this charade of some happy fucker.”

With that, Bucky leaves the room, ducking through another doorway and into the small bedroom he occupies. The hut was bigger than the apartment him and Steve had shared but it was still small. It always felt cramped to Bucky, but he made it work. He had space outside it was only at night when he felt suffocated by the space. However, he wouldn’t ask T’Challa for more because he had done more than enough for Bucky. _For Steve._ A part of him whispers the words and he knows it’s true.

Bucky sits on the unmade bed and stares out his window. A chicken moves past, picking at the ground for food and the sun moves. Steve probably was gone by now having stalked off across the field. He would never come back with what Bucky said to him. Steve was nothing if not respectful. Maybe he would be mad and think Bucky was an ass, or he would think this was what Bucky wanted. Either way, it saved Steve the pain of dealing with this shell.

There’s a rustle as Bucky drops his head to his chest and closes his eyes. His face is wet from tears streaming down his face. It was rare that Bucky cried, that he let himself feel but now he does. He feels his heart breaking into a million pieces thinking about Steve’s face as he spoke to him. _You fear that if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop._

An arm goes around Bucky as the tears splash in his lap and he’s pulled to the side. His head is cradled against a chest that’s hard and packed with muscle. Somehow, it makes him cry harder as he grasps at Steve’s shirt, fingers digging into the fabric. Steve doesn’t speak but rather employs a technique Bucky used to use on him when he would cry from the pain in his chest, the loss of his parents, the injustices in the world. He quietly strokes Bucky’s long hair and rocks him. It’s a gentle motion, back and forth, side to side and he doesn’t mind the fact that Bucky’s tears are staining his outfit, that the sun beats into the room and makes it unbearably hot.

Instead he sits on the bed and rocks Bucky back and forth, not daring to say a word. He had waited for so long for this to come, for Bucky to finally break and do something. The man he had seen sitting in front of him once a month for the past six months had not been Bucky. It had been someone he didn’t know, someone who, Shuri warned after six months of work previously, would show up. He hadn’t believed that Bucky could be so cold and aloof to him. Yet he had played along because this was what Bucky needed.

Now he sobs into Steve’s chest and clings to him for dear life. No words are said and eventually the sobs calm down. They turn into rattling breathes and Steve pulls him still closer. He lifts Bucky from next to him and puts him in his lap, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s waist and burying his face in his hair. It still smells clean from his shower that morning and Steve presses a light kiss to the top of it. It’s a strange position to be in but it was another one Bucky had done when Steve was smaller and easier to lift.

“Bucky…”

“His words.”

“Whose?”

“Zemo’s. They won’t stop.”

“What do they say?”

“You fear that if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop. I can’t…I can’t share them Steve.”

“You don’t have to, not yet.”

They sit in silence and still Steve cradles him to his chest. He doesn’t want to let go, he wants to hold on to him like he couldn’t on that train. That train and the ensuing pain which had lead them to this moment. His arms tighten around Bucky and he rests his forehead against Bucky’s shoulder. “Don’t leave me. Please. I can’t lose you again.”

Tears splash the top of Steve’s head as Bucky lifts his own and looks down at his best friend. “Why do you stay?”

“Because I love you Buck.” When Steve looks up, his gaze is soft and understanding, searching Bucky’s face. “More than a best friend, I love you so much and I can’t see you in pain like this. I can’t stand you suffering but you are, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Just stay.” The words are out before Bucky can stop them. “Stay with me a bit longer.”

“I’m with you till the end of the line.” Steve whispers and Bucky smiles as he leans his head against Steve’s again.

Eventually they lay back on the bed, Bucky’s head rested against Steve’s chest. Bucky ignores his animals in the yard and Steve ignores his phone which vibrates against his side, a warning that his team is leaving without him. He doesn’t care because he finally got Bucky back, his best friend, the man he had fallen in love with. They lay in bed and watch the sun’s rays move across the ceiling until they fall asleep, peaceful in each other’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> I do want to make quick note about how Bucky reacts to Steve. When I am having my own anxiety, I tend to go more for either becoming monosyllabic (using one word sentences to answer) or I will lash out to try to get people away from me because I know I am not my best. Steve's reactions to Bucky is how I would want someone who cared deeply, like Steve does for Bucky, to react. This is a bit of a wish fulfillment for me but it was also therapeutic to write a positive reaction and interaction.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
